"Yes..Yes.. FREEEE CEEELLLL... yes, put it right there, Yes, like that! Yes, i want it here.. Yes....ohhh yes"

"Free Cell-eeeee... I want my Free Cell-eeee.. give me my Free Cell-eee pleeeeeeeease yes my Free Cell-eeeeeeee yes yes yes there it is, my FREE-CELLEEEEEEE oh right there yes yes thats it OHHHH YES.."
you'd think someone was having an orgasm.

i thunk it too.
those were the first things Aunt B uttered (LOUDLY, in a shrill orgasmic voice) when i had her computer up and running.
and she meant every single one.

but wait, i'm ahead of myself: let me take you through the whole thing from where i left you last time:
i SWEAR every single word of the written below is 100% TRUE and NOT exaggerations.

after the initial shock (which felt i imagine rather like a cattle-prod up my rectum) i actually managed to hold back the things i wanted to say or do, and stare at aunt B with a blank expression, it was not however, as blank as the one i encountered:

A: "its empty, the case is empty, the case, you see? empty! IT IS EMPTY!"
B: "Aaaaahhaaaa?? so?"
A: "fgurfglemurgle"

A: "huff.. huff. aunt B, trust me on this, you cannot connect it like this, you have to buy other stuff."
B: "yes? what other stuff? is it necessary?"
A: "yes. it is very necessary. i swear by God. please, believe me? necessary..please?"

B: "ohhkaaayyy?? how much money?"
A: "i'm guessing about 300$, and that's the cheapest i can think of, with just the bare bones and noth.."
B: "oooohhhh that's expensive, but please dont go into details you know how i dont like details and cant understand them blah blah etc etc"
A: "......"

A: "lets take it back to Company X, and you know what? let's have THEM put it together for you, so you can get a warranty and everything"
B: "ahhhaaaaaaaa? ohkay."

vroom vroom..

we're off to Company X, which isn't very far.. along the way, she turns to me and goes:
"how much for a CISCO Wireless Router?"

internally i go OMG! *&%$#!!! WTF????

A: "What? Why? Huh?? Wireless Router?"
B: "Yes yes my brother has one and he told me about it and i want one of those too, i can't be seen without one..etc etc blah blah"
A: "ahaaa.. well, to be honest i dont know models and prices, we'll just go and see, however i trust D-Link and Linksys and..."
B: "huh?? what? sorry? what were you saying? So sorry but when i'm hungry i can't concentrate and can't even eat so i be more hungry and then i cant..etc.."
A: "nevermind."

we finally arrive at Company X retail and maintenance building, she double parks, and the park attendant tears ME a new one cuz we have iraqi license plates and its impolite to be harsh to a woman, so the guy with her (yours truly) gets it. She is convinced we need to park LEGALLY, and thus takes a couple of turns circling the park till she finds a parking spot she's satisfied with.

i'm carrying the power supply and empty case, she comes off, chewing something (she says gum, i like to believe its cud) and zooms off into the store.. the security guy at the door stops me for trying to smuggle parts INTO the retail shop and tells me to direct my sorry ass towards the maintenance department
"sir, its not allowed to bring parts BACK into retail"

i tell him a short version of my story and convince him we're there to BUY stuff to PUT into the case.. One look at her and he understands, and sympathetically offers to safekeep the parts with HIM till we finish buying the stuff.

she then runs off after spotting the salesman who apprently sold her the case, and then proceeds to chew off his head for "NOT TELLING ME THE PENTIUM WAS EMPTY"

S1: "Ma'am i'm sorry but i honestly thought you wanted just the case"
B: "do i look like an idiot to you? why you trick me like this? you trickster you.. now off with you and bring me another salesman"

apologizing, he goes and alerts another salesman to our presence: (the Customer is always Right, ohhh how the great unwashed -but with BUNDLES OF $$$s- coming out of my homeland, have abused thee)
the second guy comes, stifling a laugh, he's polite, and professional enough not to roll on the floor laughing at us. i like him.
S2: "yes ma'am? what would you be needing?"
me: "we need the WHOLE thing: let's name specs and prices: what have you?"
S2: "well, here we have.."

half an hour later, and with Aunt B's presence ever so near behind me (like the dark side of the force) we have everything settled and we're gonna pay. the bill is just under 300$.

something clicks (audibly :p) in her head and she goes: "Wireless Router!"

S2: "aha..well ma'am, the cheapest we have is Linksys, for about 70$ with tax, and wireless cards are 45$ + tax too each, also Linksy.."
B: "Woooowwww thats tooo expensive.. why do we need those 'Cards' for? are they necessary? my brother didnt say i needed them"

A: "yes, you need them to receive the signal.. um.. look, its like Radio, you see? you have THIS central station, right? and then you have to have THESE THINGS you put in your pc like Aerials, you see? Radio-Station-Aerials, aha?"

both she and the salesman are looking at me.
she in absolute blankness, as if i've just mutated into a green 30-foot tall japanese-speaking killer penguin from the planet Zog,
and the salesman is trying to put what i've said into "normal-speak" tech terms.. he finally decides what i spoke was essentially correct, and grins at me.
i feel small. very small.

feeling dead from the neck up, i tell her "how about wired routers? they should cost around 20$ and cable is about 70cents a meter, i reckon you need 30"
B: "yes yes lets, its cheaper"

then i remembered i needed a RAM upgrade, so i asked the salesman for it, i didnt have the money on me so i'd pick it up later
S2 "Sure sir, just remember to bring your..mother..with you so we give you a 'discount' .. grin grin"
A: "But she's not, i mean, she's not, she's a friend and..ohhhhh okay."

Dear God I'm microscopic. I hope no one steps on me on the way out.

we dump the stuff into maintenance, and agree to pick it up the next day.

this is the point where i wrote my first post:

now: a day later, i hold my breath, cross my fingers and kick myself mentally a few times in the head, i pick up my "backup-modified" copy of WindowsXP, just in case, and i'm ready to go: she comes and pick me up.. the time is 6 pm.

along the way i'm silent, mostly:

just this:
A: "ma'am, your pc should be done and ready, and i'll just connect the router and go home.. just one note: i dont think it will be able to play the newest games"
B: "NOooooo! Whyyyyy?? but.. but.. but my daughter will be so sad.. and oh God.. please tell me i can play FreeCell? did you bring it with you? please put FreeCell for me?"

A: "Ohhhh don't you worry now, i'll see what i can do."
i die a little more.

we pick up the stuff and head for home: i discover they don't have any power outlets anywhere near where they want to put the pc, AND they have only ONE extension cord in the whole house. shit.
after a few magical acts of contortion (thank God i'm 'Limber') i manage to put everything together and route all the cables thru the back.. power on, and wham!
'Windows XP - Trial Version 14 days remaining'
shit. i knew this was gonna happen. i put my copy, format and install everything again, drivers and additional software, everything.

then comes aunt B running: "what happened with the FreeCell? were you able to put it? huh? yes? yes?"
A: "Yes aunt B, there it is, now where do you want me to put the shortcut for you?"

--insert the first few lines of this post here--

God almighty!
Beside me is a 40yr old woman, bleach-blonde, wearing stuff an 18yr old might call racy and she's virtually having an orgasm right there!
that is something EVERYONE must see before they die.

Holy Shock and Awe, Batman!

that was the breaking point.
after the first few moments the shock subsided and i found myself dangerously tempted to do several acts to her,
the kindest and mildest of which involve me shoving my fist through her mouth and out the back of her head, just to see if that would shut her up. i swear i had that thought.
along with several others not fit for print.
most involved inserting objects/bodyparts of incompatible shapes and sizes into each other. without a shoe-horn.

but then i remembered she's a family friend and doing such stuff to family friends is strictly a No-No.

she offered to give me DINNER for "my efforts and troubles", i declined, and was promptly driven home.


In conclusion, I've learned to appreciate life in a whole other way.
my skin gained an extra inch of thickness, and I'm still trying to regain the 30 points of IQ i lost.

people, HEAR YE:
enjoy your life to the fullest, cherish your loved ones AND YOUR INTELLIGENCE.
You never know when you might have such an experience.
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