Death in the family.

Sunday, 11th Feb. 2007, i lost my original Cosmic Girl.

The second death in my family in less than 2 days.

its hard to lose a close someone.
its hard not to be there for someone in his/her final hours.
its hard to finally be there and have that someone die in your arms.
its hard to bury someone with your own hands.
life is hard. death is even harder.
but it is much more peaceful.

i'm not in a mood for anything.
will be back later.


when you lose someone, dont ever, EVER, listen to blues and/or gospel as a way to take your mind off things.

i suggest something along the lines of Britney Spears. that would be enough to dull the pain as well as your brain.

anyway, since i now listen to blues almost exclusively, i thought it was a good idea to run a few tracks, and just my luck would have it, the first one i chose was B.B.King's "Precious Lord" -both blues AND gospel-

that was a mistake.

after letting the song repeat for about 10 times, the pains finally got less tangible and i switched over to KWS. a lighter kind of blues.

funny thing: give me a solid ten minutes alone and i can get my grieving over and done with after that, normality returns.

i know its kind of insensitive to say such things, but the most recent death that happened around me (2 hours ago, and no i'm not saying who) was a -painful- relief.
it solved a lot of issues both with the deceased (someone i've solidly loved and cared for for the last ten years), myself, and the rest of my family.

one more link connecting me to my days in Iraq is now dead and buried.

Death is inevitable, and i am not afraid, i've seen it a couple of times already so i know what it feels like.
the best piece of advice someone had told me in the last 5 years was when this subject was raised in college, i said i wasnt afraid to die, my best friend told me: "stop acting silly, you are not afraid yes, but are you PREPARED for death? did you do enough good things in life?"
that was a life-changing point.

so anyway, again i'm not telling who or what or where, sorry.
and i'm not going to enable comments on this post.
i'm not writing this for well-wishes (and i am grateful for yours i promise)
i'm doing this for myself, and for the dead.

just read them a little prayer if you want.